Sorry about the extended absence. I was trying to recreate Futurama and failed. I cryogenically froze myself, but it only worked for a year. Now I have one thousandth of a pizza, and a lot of questions. Also, at some point, I stopped remembering how to be funny. Like Dennis Miller, but with less football. Also like Family Guy. And basically everything else I've ever liked.
I leave you with this: don't go something something Dark Knight something something.
I have more faith in Lady Gaga than I do in the Obama Administration. At least I can count on her to be fucked up, and wear tv screens on her face. All I can count on Obama to do is break all his campaign promises, and be randomly inappropriate. Hope, and change! As long as you hoped for mediocrity, and by change you meant "I hope I get paid in coins". So much for Iraq, and Afghanistan. And Guantanamo. And health care. And don't ask don't tell. And the middle class. And prosecuting Bush for war crimes. Or whatever. I can't even remember all his broken promises at this point. Don't get me wrong. All the Democrats in the House and Senate are worse morons and should kill themselves. I do find it ironically amusing that by dying, Ted Kennedy murdered his life's work. But, whatever. My life's work is a cartoon about animate containers, and websites. So hopefully I won't get trapped in the art section of the library.
I've been breaking out in hives all over my hands the past few days. That only happens when I'm either really stressed out, and the thought of losing the FedEx Pope forever is really getting to me. But, for real. There are few things that have been constants in my life, especially the last decade. Conan was about all that was left. Conan, and jerkin it. Never at the same time. Well, there was that one time Jim Gaffigan took his shirt off. But I was drunk. Speaking of which, have you ever drank whiskey in the bathtub? Overrated. The last week during all this drama, I feel like somebody shot my brother in the face. Cheney, looking at you. Wouldn't be surprised if he was behind this. "Say Jay, wheeeeeeeeehhh, you'll be greeted as a liberator of late night programming." "Yeah well okay why not have you heard about this"
And now for a video interlude about how I feel right now.
Lost comes back in two weeks, so I have to go be annoying now, and make all my friends wonder why they're my friends. Oh, right. They gone. Never mind. By the way, other stuff white people like: stuffwhitepeoplelike.com . Ha ha, we're so predictable! Fuck off.
By the way, hey Jeff Zucker. Thanks again for ruining tv. Hey. Hey Jeff Zucker. fuck you Jeff Zucker
Everybody watch Community before it gets hell of sympathy cancelled, or I will murder you. 'Cept you Gaga, we cool.
Yeah that’s right, we back. You wanna make somethin of it? Sorry for the extended break, but I got my hand stuck in a vending machine. Since my last post we’ve fought two wars – three if you count the War on Christmas – and I’ve moved eight times, had sex with at least one girl, three pillows, and one Charmander Halloween costume. There may or may not have been someone in it. The sergeant’s handwriting is fuzzy. Also about three other guys owned this domain, I’m assuming they died, are being held captive in an underground bunker, or lost interest in zombie related material.
So, internet, we need to talk. Not only did you kill off our genre, but there’s too much rampant use of the word “douche” since we last spoke, and that shit has to cease. Next time you want to insult someone, try “knob goblin”, or the classic “homo”. An example sentence: “I wonder what happened to that knob gobblin’ homo Jon Bence.” Mix it up, get dangerous. The web is a new place where art fags in black turtlenecks and girl jeans roam free. We have to stay alert to protect ourselves. Otherwise one day you wake up, Patrick Swayze is dead, and content gumball machines are all that’s left of the personal website generation.
I too want it to be 9/12/2001 again. Gas should be 7 dollars a gallon, rednecks should support the president no matter what, and no one knows who the hell Glenn Beck is. Count it! Plus, I’d be posting on ZAMB. Oh shit! We’re 1 for 4. Let’s face it, “let’s face it” is a horrible phrase, and no one should use it. In addition, we know where we’re at. We’ve ran out of food, and now the blonde guy is looking mighty tasty. It’s time to rev up the SUV and get the hell out of this mall. E/N is back, and it’s grumpy. Let’s get to work. Somebody get Solosier on the line. I have a five bedroom house, and it ain’t gonna live in itself. Oh, right, he died in a car wreck.